"You'll always have the coolest car," Sam told his brother as he walked out, wearing his winter coat and a hat, the gloves in his pockets for now. They were going into the woods to cut down a tree in the snow, he wasn't going to underdress for that.
He walked over to the Impala and got into the passenger seat, feeling that instant wave of familiarity. Not enough to combat the ball of icy lead permanently at the pit of his stomach since their argument, but whatever. He listened to the song that was playing, unsurprised to hear one from the usual selection. Matteo never changed. He didn't want him to change. He just wished Matteo would be all right with Sam changing.
"You know a good place to drive to? Bobby named a few."
"Oh yeah, the same place those gougers get their trees. It's like 20 minutes from here. You can do it faster but I'm not damaging my baby going off road." Matty pulled out of the drive and turned the car around, heading towards the road. He knew that it was awkward, of course it was, Sam was probably still upset and he knew he'd fucked up. He didn't handle this well - he was mad and annoyed but Sam was still his brother. His everything, honestly.
"I'm gonna put my hands up on this one, Sammy." Matty started as they began down the road towards the woodland. "I fucked up. I was a dick."
And he wasn't afraid to cut the bullshit. He could man up and admit he was a dick. "I ain't saying I regret everything I said but I crossed a line. So - my bad, let's not get all stuck on it, yeah?"
Sam wasn't sure what to do with that. He almost would have preferred if Matty hadn't brought it up at all and it had just stayed awkwardly hanging between them. Wouldn't have resolved anything but at least he wouldn't have been left with the question that he now had to ask. "What line did you cross?"
Because that really depended on whether he could even accept this apology. "I didn't mean to upset you." He could say that much, at least. "I'm not doing anything to upset you."
"I insulted your... friend. He was a guest. It wasn't cool." And yeah, that was the line he crossed and the only line he was willing to admit he crossed. Everything else, that wasn't on him, that was just -- the awkwardness of this situation. "Bobby and dad, they raised us better than that. You don't talk about someone when they're a guest. It's rude. I was just exhausted, I had a long day."
And that was why he was a rude asshole. He snorted in a small laugh, feeling awkward now he had even attempted to apologies and Sam was questioning it. "I mean, you gotta cut me some slack here, Sammy. I think his pants alone give me some right to rant a little. I mean, Jesus. Who comes to South Dakota in winter dressed like that?" The designer shirt, the tight jeans and God, the fucking awful hair. "I was expecting gay but not that kind of gay."
"He's my boyfriend. Not just a friend." Sam just wanted to make that part very clear. "And I think he looks good, the way he dresses. I talked to him about the clothes in winter, but you gotta cut him some slack. I kinda decided to take him here relatively last minute and he's been living in California for years. He ain't got warm clothes."
Sam wondered what designer winter clothes even looked like. As weird as Harry's usual style, he suspected. "It's not even a gay style, he's just, I dunno. Sleek."
Or douchey. Definitely douchey. "He comes from money, he has a vibe... I just don't trust him with you." Matty said as he pulled off into a side road, heading through much snowier territory now. Luckily, he was a good driver, he'd never had a single accident - not for lack of other people trying. "The gay thing is -- it is what it is." He didn't like it but he didn't have to, did he? "It's just that the guy is ... he's got an energy."
And he didn't want some preppy white guy playing around with his brother and getting him all confused before breaking his heart. "You gotta watch yourself, Sammy."
"...you don't know a thing about him, Matty. You've never talked normally. You are basing all of that of how he looks to you. You know what people think of you based of your looks? Or of me?" Sam raised his eyebrows and shook his head, trying to not be as confrontational as he was feeling. It was protectiveness over Harry as well as hating how Matty did not trust his judgement. "Harry's not had it easy growing up. Doesn't matter that he comes from money. We've got stuff in common. And he's stood up against racists for me. From the start."
"He acts amused by it all. It's a show to him, he's just observing. A novelty, like he said. You don't know that you're not just that to him." Harry probably had more experience, he was well travelled and all fancy and educated. He had a life that Matty could not understand and, in the same vein, neither could Sammy. So he worried.
"You just gotta watch him. He looks around Bobby's place like it's a God damn circus attraction. He doesn't touch the food. You know why? Not good enough for him. Drops in his time in Europe and New York, it's just -- it's so removed." And Sammy had to know that. He had to be careful with himself. "A guy like that, he might be sad and his daddy might not care about him, I'm not saying rich guys don't have problems but they don't have issues like us, Sam. We're just different."
Matty pulled up the car by the entrance of the woods and looked at Sam, frowning a little. "I say it cause I'm worried. I don't want you getting strung along."
"He didn't touch the food cause it's difficult for him to have an appetite and we were shouting angrily in Spanish so he felt anxious on top of that." And Sam had made Harry eat some later that evening, night by then, just so he could feel slightly less guilty about that. "You're damn right we don't have issues like him. Certainly never seen you lack an appetite."
Neither did Sam, obviously. They had always been hungry boys. "We are in love, Matty. He is not stringing me along."
He opened the door after undoing his seatbelt, then decided to go for it. "And he's got cancer."
That said, he got out of the car, axe in hand, taking a few steps away to look at the trees.
Matty watched Sam storm off and took a second to try and wrap his head around that before he left the car and followed his brother into the fucking cold of the forest. "He's got -- you didn't fucking tell me that!"
It would have been nice to know? Did everyone know? Oh Jesus. No wonder he was all pale and weird and -- oh great, now he had to worry about Sam's boyfriend dying on top of everything else. Matty groaned and put his hands on his head. "This is the sort of thing you tell a guy before he makes a jackass out of himself."
"Him being sick doesn't exactly impact how he dresses, that he's rich or that you don't like him. I guess I didn't foresee you having an issue with him not eating much in the ten minutes you bothered staying during dinner." Sam let that out quickly and then he caught himself, taking a deep breath while shaking his head. He adjusted his hat and then looked at Matty.
"He's got leukaemia. He's in remission, so he's not dying of it any more or anything, but the aftereffects of it and of the treatment never go away entirely. He still takes meds and needs check-ups and stuff too." There, he wasn't sure what else to say to that. "He's been stuck in hospital a lot of his life. His father never visited. He's not like you think. He's funny and he's a dick a lot of the time and he's had a fucking hard life and he loves me. I know he loves me. And I love him."
Matty sat himself on a nearby stump and watched Sam assess all the trees while he froze his balls off waiting for him. What did he even say? He didn't like Harry but he didn't want to shit all over a guy who had cancer. That was fucking low. He sighed and rubbed at his face, tired and annoyed. "It just ain't easy for me. You got away and you come back and ... everything's different. I just feel like with every passing year, you're drifting further."
Honestly, he got it. He knew, he was dumb and stuck in the past, he wasn't exactly being nice about things and he had a different idea of family than Sam but ... he never thought he'd feel awkward around his little brother. "You act like you had to survive me and dad to be where you are now. Kinda stings, Sammy. I know, we weren't perfect but we loved you. I loved you. You don't have to go back but... don't be ashamed of us."
"I'm not ashamed of you. I'm not-- I got issues with what dad... Whatever, that doesn't matter. I have never been ashamed of you." Well, there had been moments when Matty had wanted him to pull his finger in front of friends or even girlfriends, but setting aside those very specific differences. "I don't think I had to survive you. I think I survived because of you. And I wanted Harry to meet you but I didn't want you to hate him. And I knew you would."
So what was he supposed to do about that? "I'm sorry I'm not the way you want me to be. I know that's a disappointment."
Sam knew he could never explain to anyone properly why him getting a full scholarship at Stanford was a let-down for his big brother, but he got it. He knew why. He just didn't know how to change himself for him. "What do you think of that tree?"
He indicated one, waiting for approval. For his tree selection, he didn't have much hope for any other approval.
He couldn't tell Sam that he approved or disapproved. That he thought he was a success and so proud of him. He didn't know how to express any of that so he welcomed the tree as a distraction. "You start chopping, I'll get the ties for the roof of my car. And he lift fucking carefully, let's not scratch the paint work."
He'd touch her up tonight but whatever, he wanted to get the tree with Sammy. "I remember taking you tree hunting. You would pout in the cold. Moody damn teen. No Christmas spirit."
"Nah, guess not. I don't know if I'll ever have it. That spirit." Given that right now he was standing in the snow with his feet feeling slightly cold and his eyes stinging either because of the wind or because he wanted to cry, he doubted it.
He did have the lumberjack spirit though, as it turned out. He was good at chopping down a tree, they'd been trained well by Bobby. He almost wished he could send Harry a video of it, he could imagine the jokes he'd make.
Sam stepped back when the tree fell, looking around for Matty with the ties. Maybe he could just change the subject somehow. "We could watch a movie some time. While I'm here."
"Oh yeah, Die-Hard. Your Harry ever seen it? I got this friend, we go drinking, and he told me he's never seen it so this year is the year. Maybe I'll invite him over and we can have a guys night, watch that and Jingle All the Way." Matty suggested, knowing he wasn't going to let Cas have his weird, lonely Christmas this year.
He came over and helped his brother, tying up the tree and then lifting it up onto the roof together. "This Halloween, I introduced him to Halloween. Blew his mind. He's like a -- what do you call 'em? Former Mormon."
Matty finished securing the tree and then leaned on the hood as he looked at Sam. "Now they're weirdos."
"Dunno if he has. I'll have to ask. He's got some pop-culture blind spots." Probably the hospital time and the boarding school ball-ache, Sam imagined. He wasn't sure just how Harry would feel about a movie night like that, but hey. Better than angry yelling in Spanish, he imagined.
He leaned against the car and looked at Sam, nodding. "Yeah, I'd imagine. Always a bit strange, those religious types. It's a cult. Good on him for getting out of it. Did he like Halloween?"
"No, he found it 'deeply troubling'." He got a little freaked out and shuffled closer to Matty but Matty found it pretty damn cute. In a weird way. Cas was kind of cute. Matty sat in the car and put his cars keys into the ignition, looking out of the window before he finally let his irritation beat out his toxic masculinity.
"I'm not disappointed in you. Dumbass. I drove you to the damn college for the open day, I knew you'd apply, I think you're gonna be good at what you do. I don't have to get something to think it's something you should do. Like the gay shit and the lawyer stuff - it's your life. Just be happy and I'm... you know, I'm not gonna be disappointed." So there. He leaned forward and turned the radio on, cranking it up. It was Christmas songs. The radio this time of year, what an experience. "Now cheer up, Sammy. It's Christmas."
"'m sorry," Sam muttered, maybe for his lack of Christmas spirit. Maybe for not making things easy on Matty by living out here and being... a tree farmer or something. Whatever. He wasn't big on hunting and cars were boring so he felt there were limited options. Maybe he ought to have been a lumberjack, he bet there was plenty of gay action to be had there.
He listened to the Christmas songs that were playing, then glanced at Matty. "We should decorate the house. Go obnoxious with it. Bobby would hate it." And he thought Matty would love it.
"Already one step ahead. I got all the kitschy decor from the second hand place. I'm talking 80's level Christmas lights, so bright you'll lose your mind." He had like three cardboard boxes on stuff in his trunk and a load in his house. He was ready to deck the halls. "We'll show your fancy city boy how you go all out for a red neck Christmas."
Wait. Hang on. "He doesn't have like... seizures, does he?" He didn't want to kill Sam's apparently super fragile boyfriend. "He doesn't have to decorate either... we can handle that."
"...he had cancer, not epilepsy. He's fine, he just gets tired sometimes and he's not good with exercising, he's not breakable." Well, he was obviously breakable. "Not made of glass, anyway. And he's tough in his own way. Just wait until he's comfortable enough to snark around you."
No one escaped that acerbic wit unscathed. "He'll probably prefer watching us decorate and criticise it. That's his style. What about your friend? What's he like?"
Other than 'no longer Mormon', which was a vague descriptor at best.
"Cas? Oh, he's ... he's Cas, I don't know. I can't describe him. You have to meet him and then you'll get it." Castiel was beyond description, he was a baffling, fascinating, loyal, wise, idiotic weirdo. And lately,. since Dad ditched him and Sam went to college, he had weirdly become his best friend. "He gave me a jump on the highway. He teaches at the University of South Dakota and he likes bees a lot."
So yeah, basically super weird. Why he was here when he used to have a better gig, he had no idea but he wasn't complaining. "You'll meet him when we watch Die Hard."
"What does he teach?" Should he not be asking that? Was that a too uni adjacent question that might trigger something else? Maybe, but Sam was kind of baffled. Even after learning the ex-Mormon part, he imagined anyone who was friends with Matty to be... Well, more like someone like Matty. A lecturer who liked bees a lot did not sound like someone Matty would even want to be seen with, much less call a friend.
"Can't wait to meet him, man. He sounds fascinating."
"Antro-- something. It's about humans and cultures and stuff. He told me like 100 times. He has a book. Dr Castiel Novak, that's his name. Google it. It's something about religion or whatever. I've never read it but he did give me a copy." It was all nice and wrapped up, he kept it under his coffee table. Maybe one day he'd look at it but he wasn't really a reader and he couldn't pretend to be.
"He told me that... Stanford is like a really good school. Especially for law." Matty told Sam tentatively, just to show him that he wasn't totally against this. "So... good job, man."
"Thanks. It's ranked as the best law school in the US. We're above Yale." Sam hadn't really meant to brag, but this was the closest he had ever gotten to Matty showing that level of interest and it just somehow came out. Maybe because he was so thrown by all the information he'd just received.
Dr Castiel Novak. Damn. "You know someone who's got a PhD in Anthropology and actually teaches it. That's impressive, you know? Even got a book published... I'm so gonna look it up."
He was already typing into his phone. Then he stared, paused, zoomed in, stared again. "Er. Did he hire a model for the book promo?"
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waywarddone2024-10-10 08:28 pm
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He walked over to the Impala and got into the passenger seat, feeling that instant wave of familiarity. Not enough to combat the ball of icy lead permanently at the pit of his stomach since their argument, but whatever. He listened to the song that was playing, unsurprised to hear one from the usual selection. Matteo never changed. He didn't want him to change. He just wished Matteo would be all right with Sam changing.
"You know a good place to drive to? Bobby named a few."
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"I'm gonna put my hands up on this one, Sammy." Matty started as they began down the road towards the woodland. "I fucked up. I was a dick."
And he wasn't afraid to cut the bullshit. He could man up and admit he was a dick. "I ain't saying I regret everything I said but I crossed a line. So - my bad, let's not get all stuck on it, yeah?"
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Because that really depended on whether he could even accept this apology. "I didn't mean to upset you." He could say that much, at least. "I'm not doing anything to upset you."
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And that was why he was a rude asshole. He snorted in a small laugh, feeling awkward now he had even attempted to apologies and Sam was questioning it. "I mean, you gotta cut me some slack here, Sammy. I think his pants alone give me some right to rant a little. I mean, Jesus. Who comes to South Dakota in winter dressed like that?" The designer shirt, the tight jeans and God, the fucking awful hair. "I was expecting gay but not that kind of gay."
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Sam wondered what designer winter clothes even looked like. As weird as Harry's usual style, he suspected. "It's not even a gay style, he's just, I dunno. Sleek."
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And he didn't want some preppy white guy playing around with his brother and getting him all confused before breaking his heart. "You gotta watch yourself, Sammy."
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"You just gotta watch him. He looks around Bobby's place like it's a God damn circus attraction. He doesn't touch the food. You know why? Not good enough for him. Drops in his time in Europe and New York, it's just -- it's so removed." And Sammy had to know that. He had to be careful with himself. "A guy like that, he might be sad and his daddy might not care about him, I'm not saying rich guys don't have problems but they don't have issues like us, Sam. We're just different."
Matty pulled up the car by the entrance of the woods and looked at Sam, frowning a little. "I say it cause I'm worried. I don't want you getting strung along."
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Neither did Sam, obviously. They had always been hungry boys. "We are in love, Matty. He is not stringing me along."
He opened the door after undoing his seatbelt, then decided to go for it. "And he's got cancer."
That said, he got out of the car, axe in hand, taking a few steps away to look at the trees.
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Matty watched Sam storm off and took a second to try and wrap his head around that before he left the car and followed his brother into the fucking cold of the forest. "He's got -- you didn't fucking tell me that!"
It would have been nice to know? Did everyone know? Oh Jesus. No wonder he was all pale and weird and -- oh great, now he had to worry about Sam's boyfriend dying on top of everything else. Matty groaned and put his hands on his head. "This is the sort of thing you tell a guy before he makes a jackass out of himself."
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"He's got leukaemia. He's in remission, so he's not dying of it any more or anything, but the aftereffects of it and of the treatment never go away entirely. He still takes meds and needs check-ups and stuff too." There, he wasn't sure what else to say to that. "He's been stuck in hospital a lot of his life. His father never visited. He's not like you think. He's funny and he's a dick a lot of the time and he's had a fucking hard life and he loves me. I know he loves me. And I love him."
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Matty sat himself on a nearby stump and watched Sam assess all the trees while he froze his balls off waiting for him. What did he even say? He didn't like Harry but he didn't want to shit all over a guy who had cancer. That was fucking low. He sighed and rubbed at his face, tired and annoyed. "It just ain't easy for me. You got away and you come back and ... everything's different. I just feel like with every passing year, you're drifting further."
Honestly, he got it. He knew, he was dumb and stuck in the past, he wasn't exactly being nice about things and he had a different idea of family than Sam but ... he never thought he'd feel awkward around his little brother. "You act like you had to survive me and dad to be where you are now. Kinda stings, Sammy. I know, we weren't perfect but we loved you. I loved you. You don't have to go back but... don't be ashamed of us."
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So what was he supposed to do about that? "I'm sorry I'm not the way you want me to be. I know that's a disappointment."
Sam knew he could never explain to anyone properly why him getting a full scholarship at Stanford was a let-down for his big brother, but he got it. He knew why. He just didn't know how to change himself for him. "What do you think of that tree?"
He indicated one, waiting for approval. For his tree selection, he didn't have much hope for any other approval.
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He couldn't tell Sam that he approved or disapproved. That he thought he was a success and so proud of him. He didn't know how to express any of that so he welcomed the tree as a distraction. "You start chopping, I'll get the ties for the roof of my car. And he lift fucking carefully, let's not scratch the paint work."
He'd touch her up tonight but whatever, he wanted to get the tree with Sammy. "I remember taking you tree hunting. You would pout in the cold. Moody damn teen. No Christmas spirit."
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He did have the lumberjack spirit though, as it turned out. He was good at chopping down a tree, they'd been trained well by Bobby. He almost wished he could send Harry a video of it, he could imagine the jokes he'd make.
Sam stepped back when the tree fell, looking around for Matty with the ties. Maybe he could just change the subject somehow. "We could watch a movie some time. While I'm here."
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He came over and helped his brother, tying up the tree and then lifting it up onto the roof together. "This Halloween, I introduced him to Halloween. Blew his mind. He's like a -- what do you call 'em? Former Mormon."
Matty finished securing the tree and then leaned on the hood as he looked at Sam. "Now they're weirdos."
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He leaned against the car and looked at Sam, nodding. "Yeah, I'd imagine. Always a bit strange, those religious types. It's a cult. Good on him for getting out of it. Did he like Halloween?"
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"I'm not disappointed in you. Dumbass. I drove you to the damn college for the open day, I knew you'd apply, I think you're gonna be good at what you do. I don't have to get something to think it's something you should do. Like the gay shit and the lawyer stuff - it's your life. Just be happy and I'm... you know, I'm not gonna be disappointed." So there. He leaned forward and turned the radio on, cranking it up. It was Christmas songs. The radio this time of year, what an experience. "Now cheer up, Sammy. It's Christmas."
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He listened to the Christmas songs that were playing, then glanced at Matty. "We should decorate the house. Go obnoxious with it. Bobby would hate it." And he thought Matty would love it.
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Wait. Hang on. "He doesn't have like... seizures, does he?" He didn't want to kill Sam's apparently super fragile boyfriend. "He doesn't have to decorate either... we can handle that."
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No one escaped that acerbic wit unscathed. "He'll probably prefer watching us decorate and criticise it. That's his style. What about your friend? What's he like?"
Other than 'no longer Mormon', which was a vague descriptor at best.
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So yeah, basically super weird. Why he was here when he used to have a better gig, he had no idea but he wasn't complaining. "You'll meet him when we watch Die Hard."
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"Can't wait to meet him, man. He sounds fascinating."
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"He told me that... Stanford is like a really good school. Especially for law." Matty told Sam tentatively, just to show him that he wasn't totally against this. "So... good job, man."
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Dr Castiel Novak. Damn. "You know someone who's got a PhD in Anthropology and actually teaches it. That's impressive, you know? Even got a book published... I'm so gonna look it up."
He was already typing into his phone. Then he stared, paused, zoomed in, stared again. "Er. Did he hire a model for the book promo?"
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