waywarddone | 'cause it makes me feel like a man when I put a spike into my vein

Fuck.

He put his foot on top of the book and yanked it under his chair but it was too late. Well. Balls. He couldn't help it! This stupid book was wrecking him.

With a sniff, he tried to play it cool, leaning back in his chair with what he hoped was a baffled expression and not an embarrassed on. "No." So there. "Just doing a little light reading - why?" Clearing his throat, he pushed the book further back. "Lovely visit, do show yourself out."

"Uh-huh. No shame in it. How far did you get into it? Made me cry too, back when." He didn't want to give any spoilers because there were some things that were sacred. Even when dealing with an absolute bastard of a demon.

"It ain't leaving you, huh? All that humanity." Needy still, as he'd originally analysed. "You get any of those other emotions or just the one? Just lonely sadness?" He'd call it pathetic, if he couldn't relate to it better than he wanted to. "Are you enjoyin' it? Bit of a rush, I bet."

"Beth isn't doing so hot." So he wasn't exactly at a great part, just entering into the soul crushing reality that good people just die sometimes. That used to tickle him, now it was like gut punch. A beautiful, addictive and oddly fun one too.

"I don't enjoy any of this. Feelings, they're just... they're a weakness. Never liked them as a man, don't like them as a demon." It was all guilt, misery and regret. So much regret. And frustration too. Nothing had changed since the last time he had feelings! Nothing. His life was still a hollow, loveless nightmare. It just sucked.

"Honestly, I'm mostly horny." Aleister lied as a last ditch attempt to change topics. "Wanna give me a hand?"

Bobby looked him up and down, mostly as he wondered at what his life had become. Not a way he had ever seen himself having to deal with demons. "In your dreams, darlin'. You ain't exactly my type. I'm not down with the evil."

Setting everything else aside. "Anyway, your heart ain't even in it. You've hit on me way better in the past. Too sad to whore yourself out?"

Seemed like the obvious conclusion to draw here.

He hated this. He had nowhere to put any of his feelings and he'd honestly rather be left alone with his books. Whenever Bobby was herez it was just a confusing mess of irritating emotions.

"My loss, I'm sure. Losing out on my chance at an over the hill red-neck. Tragic." Aleister drawled as he leaned back, trying his best to not enjoy the weird spark of joy this gave him. Rejection. Disappointment. Familiar feelings but no less painful. He was used to it, it was like coming home and he supposed it was nostalgia that fueled him.

He knew why he wasn't loved. He was unlovable. A dick. And he deserved this. All of this. "I guess your type is whatever girl is willing to touch you down there. And we all know you're not a big demon kind of guy. Given your whole 'shoot my wife' thing." He snorted. "Now there was a whoopsie."

"Yeah, no. I ain't ever come back from that. Haven't had anyone touch me anywhere below the belt since." Bobby would have normally not engaged in any mention of Karen at all, yet something was making him play ball. Maybe because he wanted to draw more emotions out of Aleister, to whatever end, and he simply didn't think it was happening without giving something in turn.

It was how it always worked with Aleister. Tit for tat. "Sad thing though, ain't it? Cause you're a charmin' bastard, you got the looks, got the words and the accent, nice voice. Anyone turnin' you down, you just know it's personal."

"I don't get turned down often, it's not hard to pull, it's just not worth it." He could get his fair share when he wanted to but he didn't really need one night stands. They weren't hard, they were almost dime a dozen. The tricky thing was anyone who actually wanted him. That hadn't happened... ever. Even his wife just settled, honestly.

"Love is for mortals, it's a pointless little weakness that's only worth it if you're on limited time." What did a demon need with love? It was just a waste of time. "If I wanted to invest in worthless novelties, I'd sooner indulge in orgies than love."

"Yeah, see, don't think you mean that. And even if you meant that, you are talkin' out of your ass. You got no idea what love feels like. What it can do for you." Bobby shrugged his shoulders, glancing down at that book again. "I ain't gonna start singing love songs for you. I ain't sayin' it's a good thing. Hell no. Love's the most pain you can do to yourself. Highest high. Lowest low."

Bobby crossed his arms on the table, looking right at Aleister. "Been decades and I still hear her. Still relivin' the last talk we had. Rememberin' what I said to her. That pain, darlin'. You can't even imagine."

It was in his eyes and his voice now, if nothing else. "When you really love, that never stops."

"Ah. Touche." No, Aleister had no frame of reference. The closest he ever felt to that sort of love was his mother and it was never mutual. In fact, he could barely remember what it was like to not feel entirely bitter and angry towards her. The softness of love had long since turned into a bluntness that never quite penetrate him.

Truth was, he had no idea what it was like for Bobby and a desperate part of him wished he knew.

Why didn't he get these feelings? Why did no one want him like that? Ah, yes, the whole part about being a loser and an asshole. He'd rather have the pain if it meant he got to feel something good for once. Fuck. Now he was upset. He didn't say anything, out of concern he'd say the wrong thing, so he just leaned back and looked off away from Bobby.

"Can't even look at it, can you? Too much. Like a moth to a flame and you don't wanna get burned. Only I reckon you've already caught fire." Seemed fairly obvious from where he was sitting. From where he saw that conflict of emotions across Aleister's face. Bobby knew he was getting somewhere.

"Last thing I told her is that I didn't want kids. Cause I break everything I touch." Those words that would haunt him forever. "And you'd think that after all that happened with her, it'd have stopped, right? But I'm human. I'm human and love don't stop like that. So when I got those two boys, I started lovin' them. And they're cursed, ain't they? They're heroes and they keep on sufferin' and dyin' on me and I can't ever do much. Just watch them become as fucked up as I am. Can't protect them from that."

"I don't care. Cry me a river." Aleister dismissed as soon as he could, though he didn't go any deeper than that. He didn't want to poke the hornets nest but he didn't think he had much choice. "What are you doing? What is this? Are you, what, playing with me? I have these stupid feelings your idiot Moose put in me and this is your means of torture?"

He supposed that seemed about right. He had a weakness now, why not exploit it? He would have done the same. "Piss off."

He would not give into the feeling. He was stronger than this. He wasn't human!

"Torture? Maybe. But you like to talk about that, don't you? You're a demon." What was the word that Crowley liked to use so much? "Kinky."

Bobby adjusted his hat and leaned back in the chair, raising his eyebrows. "Ain't no way of torturing you without you enjoying it. So I reckon you'd love another fix, darlin'. You'd love to keep going. You want to hear all about how you ain't ever known love and how you ain't ever gonna know it. What? Tell me that ain't doin' it for you."

"I'm the king. Plenty of people love me. For better or for worse." Aleister insisted adamantly as he tried to keep his footing in this crisis but he wasn't holding up super well, every comment was just drilling into this weak, pathetic, needy part of him that hated this. That hated it was true and wanted acknowledgement. Wanted to be loved.

"It's not doing anything but boring me. I don't know why you'd waste your evening with someone you can't even stand to be around. You could be doing anything, love. You could be translating or reading one of those big tomes. Wasting your time watching football or monster trucks." So why the fuck was he here, needling him, and not leaving him alone to bask in the fucking misery that was Beth dying. "No, you're here! Pissing me off with your whiny, pathetic feelings. All those pointless, weak emotions. I've told you before - they're a waste!"

So why was he getting all worked up and angry?

"Then why are you sittin' here cryin'?" He wondered whether Aleister even realised. Must be a foreign feeling for him by now, those wet trails down his cheeks. "Why is this the most you've cared?"

Obviously, because he was human. And because emotions were strong. Emotions were so much stronger than those creatures could realise. "I've got a deal for you, darlin'. A vial of blood. Not just any blood. I'll bleed myself in front of you, just so you know you're gettin' the good stuff. And in exchange you're takin' me to the other half of the angel tablet. The one you've hidden."

He was crying? Great. The humiliations never ended and not the fun, kinky kind of humiliation he liked either. With a sigh, he raised his hand and wiped away the tears hastily, trying his best to hide what was so very obvious. "So that's it, is it? You want the big guns. Of course." The angel tablet was split into three pieces and the last bit was a small bit that he purposefully kept hidden. The part that could restore the angels.

Of course, he wasn't exactly eager to give that away. It was his only bargaining chip. As tempting as the offer was, he tried to be rational and keep his head in the game. "I give that up, you lot kill me. I'm not a moron. You got to offer me more than that."

"I ain't interested in you dyin'. That gets me nothin'." Obviously. Bobby was as calculating as Aleister when it came down to it, only he tried to calculate for good. Or for the closest he could get to it, anyway. "You're worth more existin' than you'd ever be worth gone."

That was some heartfelt sentiment right there. "Besides, darlin', I'd miss our chats."

He was still trying to own the flirting. He was fairly sure it wasn't working, but whatever. "That's my offer as it stands. What else would you want?"

"I know you won't kill me. Give it half a second and Moose will. You're not the loose canon I need fodder against." Aleister pointed out and he wasn't sure he could rely on the word of Bobby to save his ass. Then again, maybe if he shot up enough blood, he'd feel less bothered by all of this. He'd be so internal that the external wouldn't matter.

After all, what did any of it matter? He had no way out of here, he was losing his grip of his throne and he was bored off his tits.

At least if he got to go out, he stood a chance of escaping. "Blood first, then the tablet. I'll sign a contract, I'll hex myself if you don't trust me, but I want what's mine before we do the trade."

"Your word ain't worth a lot to me. Your contracts ain't all that either. So how about you sign a contract I've drawn up instead?" Bobby pulled out the contract he had prepared. It had taken him a while and had, admittedly, been done partially with Sam sending it back with parts translated to legalese.

Point was, he wanted this airtight. "I'm not lettin' you screw me over again. Time for me to nail you down."

That said he set the contract down in front of Aleister, waiting for him to read it. "Make sure to check the fine print, darlin'."

"Oh, this is so hot."

Aleister wasn't going to lie, he waggled his eyebrows and then pulled it forward. He wasn't an idiot like Not-Moose, he actually read his contracts. He went through every aspect, right down into the fine print, double checking each clause and making sure he had a little bit of wiggle room. Not much but a bit. "Nice, well written, I'll agree to almost everything. Not this."

He circled the part that said he'd promise to fetch the tablet. Too simple. "To the best of my abilities. What if I've been robbed? What if it's in heaven? I can't go there. Let's open that up so I don't get blasted my holy energy but otherwise, I agree. To the best of my abilities. The actual best."

"Ain't no one getting into heaven right now, doubt the tablet's made it there. But fair enough." Bobby turned the paper around to make the amendment, then presented it to Aleister again. This time he pushed the pen into his hand. "Now you better sign that and then you deliver. I ain't gonna play gentle with you any longer."

It was time to get tough. They had a world to save. And Heaven as well, as it was turning out.

"I sign, blood first, tablet after. It won't be easy to get but I'll show you. You. Not them." He was not going to go anywhere as long as Moose wanted to stab him. And it was hard to get time with Matty, his brother was often looming. Joined at the hip as they were. "You can manhandle me all you fancy, pet. I'm not going to protest."

He would but it was fun to play coy. Safer too. He looked at the contract, double checked it once more and then signed it.

"The boys are busy elsewhere. I can handle you all by myself." He preferred that, honestly, between whatever was going on with Matty and, yeah, the rather hard to ignore murderous rage Sam seemed to extend to all demons. Not that he could blame him. As always, his boys were dealing with a lot.

Bobby took the contract and got up so he could set it aside. He also got the syringe ready and then returned to the table, rolling up his sleeve. As he tightened his hand into a fist, he searched for the right vein and put the needle in. Drawing blood was easy after that and when he pulled the needle out, some dropped onto the table. He ignored it, looking at Aleister instead.

"I'll inject it myself."

"Sure, as you wish." He hadn't expected Bobby to do it for him but he accepted it with his arm held out, not overthinking how intimidate it almost felt. It was as close to romance as someone like him could get. He wasn't sure if it would be different than Sam's, maybe it would be. Maybe it wouldn't be as good, might be a weaker experience. Might be a better vintage because of the years. Hard to say.

He watched the needle go into his skin, not able to look at Bobby while he did it. It wasn't exactly something he was proud of right now.

"Nah, that's not the way." Bobby grabbed Aleister's hair and made him turn his head, trying to maintain eye contact. "What you're chasin' is the humanity. Can't halfass that."

With that he injected him, aware of how his heart was beating faster. Blood magic was strong even unintentionally. Bobby had to wonder just how much of a connection could potentially be forged like that. Not worth thinking about right now. "How's it feel to feel?"

Well, wasn't this just a treat? He wasn't usually a big fan of humiliation and degrading but there was something in the way Bobby did it that just hit all the right buttons. Looking into his eyes, he managed to keep eye contact until it was all in his veins, then his eyes rolled back as it all came at him suddenly.

Oh fuck. He shuddered and felt the weird, unpleasant warmth of feelings. The way his heart beat increased, the way he felt sick in that same way and God, the feelings. They were like tendrils, they latched onto his insides and filled every part of him with something so alive. At the question, he had to laugh. How did it feel? "I used to do opioids as a man. It's not that different."

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